Psychologist John Duffy, author of “Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety,” practices in Chicago.
In most marriages, after decades together, we know each other’s routines, the idiosyncrasies of our families of origin, the cadence of each other’s work days, and how we like our coffee.
Many couples will have raised children together by this time and discovered things about one another they admire, as well as ways in which they wholly disagree.
Years ago, the vast majority of my client couples who weren’t happy in their relationship chose to remain married out of convenience or routine, or even a sense of familiarity.
And although she thought her current husband would be part of her life through all of them, she now wants to do some of the writing on her own, and perhaps, one day, with another partner.
One or both people in the marriage are making an overt choice to change course for the time they have left.
These people no longer assume their marriage is necessarily a lifetime commitment if it no longer works for one or both partners.
We have historically been tight-lipped around any dissatisfaction in marriage, often following the trope of complaining to same-sex friends about the problems in relationships: the lack of sex or connection, the boredom with the everyday, the annoying habits, the tightwad or the overspending spouse.
In the past few years, more and more couples are talking with one another or with me, their therapist, openly, about their dissatisfaction in their relationships.
And the marriage that carries them from their 20s to their 50s or 60s is a most important chapter, one in which they encounter financial hardships, establish careers and raise children.
But more and more, others are willing to consider the possibility that, even if they were the right match for one another at one time, or for some time, they may not be so any longer.
They want to start a new career or embark on new adventures, often on their own, sometimes with a friend, or on occasion with a new partner.
I find that men are more likely to end a marriage in middle age to either pursue another relationship or engage more fully in a relationship they are involved in already.
Many have described to me that they still feel quite young in their 50s and 60s and that their husbands seem older and less energetic.
For men, on the other hand, the reasons given tend to be based on what they feel is missing in their marriage, which they feel they can discover in another relationship.
Some couples have chosen to stay together for decades, until their 50s or 60s, in order to provide a stable, consistent and loving environment for themselves and, most especially, their children.
This can be a years-long, very painful exercise that, in the end, may not benefit the kids at all.
These changes in the way we look at marriage in our 50s and 60s can also be seen as quite healthy and refreshing.
Talk to your spouse openly about the nature of your feelings, and what your spouse, or the two of you together, might do to improve things, or to inject new life in your relationship.
In essence, if you feel your relationship remains viable but needs work, try to write those next chapters together.
Finally, you may feel as if this iteration of your relationship has run its course.
Allow each other the grace to reflect upon the good that has come from the years you have spent together: the children, the jobs, the battles won and lost, the humor, and the love.