The first group date arrives, but there’s no Accent Table of Doom; instead, it’s resting on a Tastefully Decorated Nook outside the guys’ casa.
Out walks “really well-known comedian” Heather McDonald, who is here to help Katie find “the greatest lover of all time.” First up, a pop quiz! Only Conor B.
“I just put question marks because I want her to hear it from my lips first.” Even though Mike knew that being on this show would put him in “challenging” positions, he didn’t think it’d happen week one.
And he certainly probably never thought he’d have to dress up in S&M gear and demonstrate why he’s the “greatest lover of all time” in front of Katie and a “live audience.” The poor guy is so stressed out he starts crying.
Christian the wicked cool kid from Boston understands that love is “more than what happens in the bedroom.” What really gets a woman hot is a guy who does household chores without asking.
The “motivational speaker” gets up on stage and announces that Katie deserves “17 hours a day of non-stop d— action” through a long, rambling, and unfunny lecture about what he thinks the Bachelorette does and doesn’t want from a lover.
Luckily for Mike P., Karl is a very easy act to follow.
The Bachelorette believes that she and Connor were “meant to meet,” and she’s more than happy to re-do their first kiss.
Meanwhile, Karl keeps talking about Katie’s “journey” to find “love” in athletic/transactional terms. Before the date, he called it a “competition” like the Hunger Games, and after losing out on the trophy, he said he needed to “get back in the game” and earn the group date rose.
Unfortunately, just as Karl whips out the fuzzy handcuffs from the first part of the date, Thomas walks in and interrupts their chat.
Katie used to camp a lot with her dad, so she’s very comfortable in the outdoors – but she doesn’t seem to mind that Greg has no idea how to set up a tent or craft a makeshift toilet.
It was hot.” Later, Katie gets emotional while talking with Greg about her dad, who died in 2012.
“I’ve felt so comfortable with you right off the bat,” says Greg, who goes on to reveal to Katie that his father passed away from cancer two years ago.
“I think we’re all in big trouble if he walks through that door with a rose,” notes James, just as the big fireworks display begins.
He and all of the other dudes on the group date – Andrew S., Kyle, Josh, Aaron, Brendan, Hunter, and Cody – are told to head to the staging area immediately.
And what better way to get ready for mud wrestling than to put on a fresh new set of cowboy duds? It’s nice, I guess, that producers didn’t make the guys ruin their own clothes.
Brendan and Hunter are up first, and as the firefighter trainee has a 40-pound advantage over Hunter, the result is a fait accompli.
John, who one of the other guys describes as “super-thin,” is matched with Josh.
Last up is Aaron versus Cody – a match, we will discover, that producers chose on purpose because they know these two dudes have beef.
Aaron also wins the Big Buckle, which means he will get some extra time with Katie prior to the cocktail party.
The Bachelorette does NOT love it.
“That’s just not factual information.” When Katie asks Cody if he’s “here for fame,” Cody stammers a bit before repeating that he doesn’t know what Aaron’s talking about.
While Katie goes to think things over, Cody – who is “so heated right now” – confronts Aaron.
the football player is like, Okay, but how about I come talk to you anyway? He takes it upon himself to check on her because I guess he doesn’t understand the meaning of “alone”? At least he brought her a beverage.
Okay, so while it’s annoying that Andrew butted in on Katie’s alone time, they did seem to have a semi-genuine conversation that made her feel better.
Bring on the final cocktail party! The night starts off well, as Katie – looking STUNNING in a metallic, emerald-green dress – pulls Michael, the sweet single dad, aside for the first chat since he didn’t get a date this week.
Back in the holding pen, Karl is wondering if any of the other guys aren’t “here for the right reasons.” John wisely advises him to focus on Katie and not worry about anyone else’s motivations, but he is not inclined to listen.
“I just don’t know who’s really here for me anymore.” To that end, Katie gathers all the men in the sitting room and gives them the what for.
“For some of you, this might be a platform, but I’m not here to waste my time,” says Katie.
Perhaps thinking that he’s going to be outed eventually, Karl raises his hand and says he only brought up the specter of Wrong Reasons™ because Katie asked him about it.